Macaroni and Meditation 

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Sometimes I have this picture of how my life should look. I have this ideal of who I should be and how I should always act. I want to respond with love and humor when my children rub their macaroni on their faces to make orange beards during lunch time. I want to be present, available and in the moment with each of my tiny humans, making eye contact and giving hugs. But the truth of the matter is, some nights I go to bed a bit sad and regretful of the ways I interacted with my children that day. Some nights I realize I’ll probably never live up to that ideal me.

I mentioned in a previous post how pain is a great motivator for me. Hell its a great motivator for anyone I’m sure. But I don’t want to be motivated by pain anymore. I want to be motivated by smiles, hugs, and shared moments of joy with my children.

For the first few years of my second chance at parenting I really had to work on my yelling. I call this period of my life my “second chance at parenting” because I didn’t do too well with my first chance. And I’m fortunate to have been given a second chance with 3 tiny little souls. Back to the yelling part… I was a terrible yeller. I would scream at my children, my husband, my friends and family, my dogs, I would even scream at myself. I had so much rage, anger, regret, and decades of pent up emotions I didn’t know how to manage even the simplest upset in my life. Unfortunately my children received the brunt of this shortcoming. Thankfully I chose to progress in my life, and I kept working on myself and loving those parts of me that needed to be healed. It wasn’t easy, and at times it got pretty ugly, but it was always necessary.  I created a routine in my life that involved a lot of meditation, self care, 12 step meetings, and weightlifting. These days I yell much less, and my home is much more zen. Thank god. But now it’s time to take things a step further and go deeper.

Ive noticed a some of my routine has fallen to the wayside. I’m currently pregnant again and between running a business, being a mother to three tiny people, and a few other things I’ve made priorities, I have let my self care go. Today I found myself being a miserable bitch yelling at my children, over nothing, literally nothing. And the immediate guilt was a smack in the face.

The pain is still fresh in my heart now as I write these words. Because for a while pain hadn’t been my motivator, joy was my motivator. My connection with myself and those around me had been my motivator. Self worth and self improvement were my motivator. Then in just a few short months I let things slide (without realizing it too much) and there’s that pain…. I don’t want the pain. Fuck the pain. I choose life to be joyful and easy. 

Again, there’s a gift in pain. I’m grateful for that gift, but I’ll choose joy, connection, and serenity over the pain. Tonight I go to bed, recommitted to my self care, and my self love. Recommitted to my dance parties and meditation. I have the sacred duty of raising healthy, happy, kind, and wholehearted children. I can not do this if I’m not taking care of myself. We as parents can’t take care of those who need us, if we don’t first take care of ourselves!

Tonight I am grateful for my tiny babies with their sticky macaroni beards and fry sauce smelling hands. And tonight I’m grateful for my second chance. I love you guys, thanks for reading my words…

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