Walking Through Fear

You guys! I did it. I finally started a blog!!! See, I have this really big dream about being a writer and one day publishing a book, maybe some people will love that book and I’ll end up doing a TED Talk- a girl can dream- right?! This dream scares the hell out of me, and excites me all in the same breath. So- here I am writing my words, and finally honoring my creativity! And while I want to get super “perfectiony”, (thats a thing right?) and add widgets, and photos to my blog before you read it- I think its most important to get my words out there. Everything else can wait…

Part of me wants to introduce myself and explain who I am. In hopes you’ll love me and follow this blog. But that feels awkward and forced. So instead I’m going to write my words as they come. I cant promise I’ll have proper grammar or punctuation, I cant promise I wont say fuck, or stay out of the realm of politics- but I can promise I will stay authentic, loving, and vulnerable with you. Hopefully over time you’ll gain insight into my life, and perhaps find similarities in my story and yours. Because while our experiences might not be the same, our emotions and our insides are.

I have a feeling the people reading this original post are my FB friends, and real life friends- because you’re basically the only people who know I have taken this leap. So lets chat about some things… Tonight my heart is heavy and my mind is racing. Because even though I found a way out of the darkness, not everyone has.

For almost a decade of my life I was homeless and addicted. I slept in park bathrooms, with the door locked, and my back against the door in case anyone tried to come in. I would go days without real food, or a shower. I would go months, and even years in some cases, without contacting those I loved. I knew the deepest darkest depths of a personal hell I had created for myself. I lost parental rights to my oldest son and my oldest daughter- and yet I couldn’t stop using. I remember a specific night where I had accepted the fact I would die alone, homeless, and strung out on drugs. Clearly the universe had different plans for me. Here I am- almost seven years later- healthy, clean, and living a life full of love, serenity, and stability. I made it out alive.

Although I have cut ties with every aspect of my old life, sometimes bits and pieces creep back in via social media posts, stories, etc. Tonight it crept back in. And I am reminded just how ugly, and heartbreaking addiction really is. Nights like tonight I wish I could take my serenity, and my recovery and just give them away to those I love who are still in the darkness. But here is the main thing I have learned in the past six years: I can not give someone something they are not ready to receive. I can not save anyone. We all have to save ourselves. What I can do is pray, and put my passions into carrying a message of hope for those still suffering addicts. What I can do is continue to live my life in a way that honors me, and keeps me safe. Tonight I will pray extra hard, and meditate a little longer. Because I know the healing power of connection, and love. And while I might go to bed with a heavy heart and a racing mind, I know there is always hope as long as I keep love in my heart.

I’m grateful to be on this journey with you guys- thanks for being here, and reading my words. I love you.