You guys… Pain is one transformative motherfucker. I don’t know about you, but my initial reaction to pain is to run away from it and push it aside. Maybe put it in a nice little box and stick it away to be dealt with some other day. Whatever I was doing with my pain, I certainly wasn’t welcoming it and accepting the gifts it had to bring.
Recently (like four days ago recently) I saw a woman post something on social media, and I realized I had let an opportunity pass me by. Instead of being happy for this woman and choosing to be full of abundance and love, I chose fear and scarcity. The pain from this post and the choices surrounding it forced me to look at some patterns in my life. One of which is this pattern where I’m on the ball, having “it” together, everything is good and I feel like super mom, wife, and friend. Then out of nowhere I come out of this fog, only to realize that somewhere during the “being on top of it all” stage, I dropped the ball and now its time to pick up the pieces. Never before in my life have I been aware of this up and down cycle in my life until the pain I felt seeing this womans social media post. In that moment, as I began to pick up the pieces of my latest “down” pattern I also became willing to change.
Picking up the pieces is painful, and embarrassing. Somedays picking up the pieces means returning 11 voicemails, and giving the callers witty excuses as to why I originally missed their calls- when in reality I saw them calling and didn’t have it in me to pick up the phone. Some days picking up the pieces looks like taking my youngest daughter to buy new ballet clothes after dance class because I dropped the ball and didn’t realize it until I had to send her to first ballet class in an old stained/ripped outfit. And sometimes picking up the pieces looks like accepting the fact that I dropped the ball, and someone else achieved a small dream of mine. Like I said picking up the pieces is painful, until I spot the gift, and until I choose abundance.
The past year I have been REALLY working on living in abundance, believing there is enough for everyone. You guys, its hard. But you know whats even harder? Living in scarcity and fear. Waking up fearful and full of resentment, heart racing, mind cloudy and full of judgements. So I pick up my commitment to living healthier, and I choose abundance. Because fuck fear.
So I see this womans social media post and immediately the pain comes, less than 24 hours later- I jump and I start this blog. Next I start reaching out to those around me and picking up the pieces- this time recognizing and accepting this pattern in my life so when it comes around next time I get to create something beautiful out of it. Then a few days later (as in tonight), comes my trust in The Universe and I know there is a gift in this pain. One day at a time we get to recognize that which does not serve us, and we commit to change. And on the days we fall- we pick ourselves back up, as gracefully as we pick the pieces back up.
Tonight again I sit here trusting there will come a gift from my current pain. Change is fucking terrifying, especially when we have to initiate it. What if we create a change and it hurts? What if we create a change and with that change comes regret, grief, and sadness? I chose to initiate change, it was one of the hardest things I have done in a very long time. Sadness, regret, fear, and grief have made themselves at home in my heart right now. And get to sit in these emotions, I choose not to run from them. Instead I will embrace them, I will welcome them, and I will honor them for showing up- because if nothing else they are proof I am living and I am doing it wholeheartedly. I know there is a gift- heart heavy, mind racing- but there is still a gift.
So tonight I will keep faith in a power greater than myself. Tonight I will keep love in my heart, trust my decisions, and choose to find joy for those who are pursuing their dreams. The rising tide lifts all boats, this I know.
Thank you guys for showing up here. Thank you guys for loving me, supporting me, and reading my words. I love you.